Don't let your tot play favourites

By Dr Richard C. Woolfson

Of course, you want your toddler to love her father. Seeing her face light up with love the moment she catches sight of him coming home makes you feel good. You know Daddy has such an important role to play in her life.

But problems arise when your toddler insists, “I want Daddy!” and snubs you when he’s around. Or, perhaps, she always screams for her father when you want to bathe her or play with her.

Consider why you should actively discourage her from playing Daddy-is-my-favourite:

• She loses out. You and Hubby should both be playing, talking and sharing with her, and giving her love and affection. To play “Daddy” favourites means she inevitably loses out on stimulation from you.
• Daddy will be exhausted. There might be the initial thrill of knowing that his little one thinks he’s terrific. But he’ll soon find that having an infant always hanging round his neck the minute he comes home is far too demanding.
• Your frustration grows. It’s no fun being the odd one out in a house with three people. Nobody would blame you for feeling sorry for yourself when she consistently pushes you into second place in preference to her father.
• There is an unpleasant atmosphere. If you’re a stay-at-home mum and she is crying all the time for her father, then both of you will have a miserable time together. Practicalities mean she has to be with you during the day, at least.
• Playing “favourites” is controlling. If you pander to your sweetie’s insistence that “I want Daddy and no one else”, you run the risk that she’ll start to make increasing demands in many other areas, too.

For all these reasons, allowing her to have a favourite parent – whether Daddy or you – is not a healthy contribution to her development. In a two-parent family, an exclusive attachment to one parent alone is less beneficial than a bond with both parents.

MUMMY LOVES YOU, TOO
Stop your tot from declaring favourites as soon as you notice the habit developing. Don’t act on it only when you are totally fed up with her moaning that she wants to spend time with her father. Neither should Daddy wait until he feels that his girl doesn’t give him a moment’s peace. The longer you let her play “only Daddy”, the harder it is to make a change.

And don’t take this favouritism game personally. Remind yourself that her current Daddy-only mood is a habit that your toddler will soon grow out of – as long as you don’t pander to it.

It has nothing to do with your parenting skills or Hubby’s; it is simply a behavioural habit. There’s no emotional rejection involved here; your two-year-old is only playing a game.

If you do show great distress at her favouritism behaviour, she’ll strengthen her “Daddy” demands because she enjoys the reaction this receives. The best strategy is to get on with your normal daily routine with her, no matter how much she moans, groans and cries for her dad. In fact, carry on as normal even if she has a full-blown raging tantrum about it. Don’t make any comment when she complains; just keep going.

Follow your normal schedule of chores and outings, without letting her attempts at favouritism influence you in any way. You’ll find that this rational, calm approach will soon cause her “want Daddy” attitude to vanish.