Does your child have two personalities?


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By Dr Richard C. Woolfson

Parents never cease to be amazed by the fact that their child can be an angel in one context (for example, at home) and yet be an absolute terror in another (for example, at preschool).

He seems to switch from the gentle Dr Jekyll to the confrontational Mr Hyde with great ease, and it’s hard for you to understand why his behaviour should vary so much from one place to another. But this is very typical for a child of this age. He is able to differentiate the limits, restrictions and possibilities for each context, and at times exploit these differences as much as he can.

Here are some suggestions to help him have more evenly-balanced behaviour, regardless of the context:

= Explain common standards Make it clear you expect him to behave the same way outside as he would at home. Explain that he is responsible for his behaviour. He is old enough to understand that “good behaviour” is the same, wherever he is.

= Highlight connections Your child might actually believe that home and preschool, or home and a friend’s house, are entirely separate, and that what happens at one place has nothing to do with what happens at the other. That’s why it is absolutely vital that he realises you get regular

feedback from wherever he goes. He is less likely to misbehave when he has no doubt that you will find out about it.

= Get feedback Not only must you convince him that you will get to know if he misbehaves when he is not with you, you actually have to carry this out. So, for example, make regular contact with his preschool, and contact his friend’s parents when he has played there for a while. Hopefully, the reports you receive are positive. But whether they are or not, tell your child that you know what he’s been up to.

= Give an appropriate response If you hear of, or see, anything that you regard as negative, let your six-year-old know that you disapprove. This reinforces your message that you expect suitable behaviour from him at all times, and at all places. Resist any temptation to ignore negative behaviour that you didn’t witness first-hand. If you hear about it, show your disapproval.

= Talk to him Give him a chance to give his side of the story. He might offer what he thinks is a logical explanation for his uncharacteristic actions when he is not under your direct supervision. For instance, he may say: “I’m just doing what all the others do.” Once he has had his say, remind him that people do care about how behaves, particularly you.

= Check out context If, for instance, you discover he really is Dr Jekyll at home but transforms into Mr Hyde at preschool, check out the context in which he misbehaves. Ask yourself: What is it about preschool that makes my son think that he can behave differently? Perhaps it is the way the staff implement rules, or maybe there are lots of children who misbehave this way and he simply copies them.

= Consider changing the context Easier said than done. But if your child is an angel at home but wild in preschool, consider ways to change this. For instance, maybe he could be tranferred to a different group of peers, or perhaps he could take part in different activities. You’d be surprised how a small change in the environment can result in a big change in his behaviour.

From Young Parents issue

Does your child have two personalities?

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