How to teach Junior to cooperate


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By Dr Richard C. Woolfson

One-year-olds are so full of their own importance. At this age, your toddler begins to realise he has an identity separate from you; that he has his own ideas and feelings.

And being at a developmental stage in which he still sees the world only from his point of view, he expects to get things his own way – which is why he often refuses to cooperate with you or anyone else. He understands that you want him to do what you ask; he just doesn’t want to do it.

Although thoughts of cooperation may be far from his mind (“I am a big boy now,” he says to himself, “and I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do”), you can still establish early stages of cooperation.

· Explain why he should cooperate. Use terms that he can understand – for instance, tidying up means his toys won’t get broken. He will pay attention when he understands the benefits.

· Take action if he persistently refuses to cooperate. If you have warned your toddler that he will be punished in a specific way for not doing what you ask, stick to what you have said. Empty threats simply teach him that you don’t mean what you say.

· Use praise to encourage your toddler to cooperate. Praising your one-year-old when he does cooperate is a very effective way of encouraging him to behave this way in the future. Give him a special treat as a reward for being particularly helpful.

· Time rewards and punishments properly. Those that encourage his cooperation will have the greatest impact when they are given immediately after the behaviour has occurred. The sooner, the better.

DON’T

· Over-pressurise him into cooperating. Of course, you are bigger and can momentarily intimidate him into doing what you want. But the effect will only be temporary, and he’ll misbehave as soon as you turn your back.

· Suggest he obey because you said so. Part of growing up involves learning values, so it’s best if your toddler begins to cooperate because he understands the positive effect that has on others.

· Make empty threats. In a moment of frustration, you may be tempted to tell him that he will never be allowed to play outside again. But that sort of threat cannot be followed through. A short, realistic punishment is more effective.

· Be afraid to reach a compromise. Sometimes, he refuses to cooperate because that is the only way he can develop independence. There should always be room for compromise. No rule should be so inflexible that it cannot ever bend.

None of these methods is guaranteed to win your one-year-old’s cooperation every time, and they will not cause an instant improvement in his attitude and behaviour. But they do provide a starting point. In time, if they are applied consistently, they will begin to have a positive effect, so that cooperation is more likely than confrontation.

Despite your best intentions, however, there may be times when your baby refuses to cooperate with you, no matter how sensitive and understanding you are. And you may become so angry that you feel ready to explode. Be ready to walk out of the room, away from him, until your temper has cooled down. A break of even a few minutes away from an uncooperative toddler can be enough to defuse the tension. When you return to face him, you will feel more able to cope.

From Young Parents issue

How to teach Junior to cooperate

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