WEB EXCLUSIVE - Mum-in-Law 101

I try to feed your child nutritious food but Grandma wants to stuff him with sweets and ice-cream every day.
Daniel Koh: It is always important to understand the reason behind such actions. Naturally grandparents want to feel that they are able to contribute to the upbringing of the child, but their point of view may not match yours. They based their care on the way they brought their children up.

Calmly and clearly explain your reasons and teach them about the latest in nutrition and health issues. Once they see the benefit of it, they may be more willing to use it. You may need to compromise so that both sides win and nobody get hurt or blamed.

My mother-in-law calls my husband every day to complain about how dirty the house is, or how you are not raising the kids well. My husband doesn't want to take sides.
Daniel: Some mothers-in-law have higher expectations for their daughters-in-laws. But before doing any thing, ask yourself if there is any truth behind her statements.

In most cases, it is not how things are done but who is involved in it that is the problem. Instead of trying to defend yourself, a much peaceful method would be to get your in-law involved. Just like your own parents, they like to feel wanted and able to contribute.

Play it humble and ask for her advice in an area where you know she’s an expert. By doing this, you’re showing your respect, accepting her into your household and recognising her as your senior. She’ll be more relaxed, and it will help build a positive relationship.

By the way, don’t get your husband involved or ask him to take sides – this will just increase the resentment. Once your in-laws feel that you can take care of their son and grandchildren, they will back off. Quarrelling and defending yourself would only destroy any goodwill they have.

Daniel Koh is with Insights Mind Centre. Plus, read the September 2009 issue of Young Parents to find out how one mother won over her mum-in-law.